Dilli-Willi’s Kryptonite

In Delhi, everybody is a superhero- if not by the Superman kind of standards; the dilliwala knows how to make his own. The superhero in west Delhi won’t fly in the south-with our without cape- voluntarily and as a matter of pride. This superhero like all other superheroes, nestles a gargantuan sense of honour, self pride, abundant chest radius and purpose (please part with your inane common sense understanding of the last term and many others to follow before you read further!)

Also, this superhero doesn’t have a ‘jaanu’- jaanu makes softies of superhero, she takes the steam out- no pressure, no purpose- See Pic- Superhero looked like that when he had jaanu in his life, hence no jaanu anymore

Do not ever compare the biri-phukoing-rock-bumming-stinking-kurta-garbed Bengali ‘intalectuaal’ with the Dilli superhero. Our superhero need no biri, need no kurta, need no jhola, and definitely need no intellect (only need momma sometimes). What’s brawn and brain for when you have a ‘purpose’ in life?

Purpose 1- That to RIDE the roads, like Leo Mattel made them in concrete after superhero grew out of the plastic versions and

Purpose 2- be ANGRY allllllll the bloody time and make sure to let it out on anything that passes by- bird or man

Both purposes to save my reader’s time, will frequently rise into a shining, beaming, glittering one when the said superhero has company. Our superhero unlike other superheroes doesn’t go jumping buildings, murdering villains ALONE- no siree! He has underlings who parasite on him, usually moneyed boys whose rounded bottoms hide rows of notes. Superhero does not carry money- will hinder flight you see, doesn’t use plastic money- dude you don’t bribe with a card!

Brotip- from one superhero to another- NEVER EVER BE SUPERHERO WITHOUT A WITNESS (preferably witnesses) TO LAP UP YOUR AWESOMENESS! Masks, capes, red underwear, swords, leotards- Dhur! Dhur! This superhero doesn’t need all of that- just give him an audience and a wrong doing (hope you have parted with that common sense by now!)

This superhero can’t see-hear-talk of wrong doing- he is a law unto himself when shit happens and rest assured the shit will be taken care of. Oh sorry, completely escaped the tiny, of course irrelevant, but you know how random I am, detail-the wrong is wrong is WRONG when the wrong is wronged on superhero- not the rest of the world.

Now that that detail is taken care of- let’s proceed to understand the degree, style, nature, intensity of this WRONG. Here is some unpleasant shit superhero has to take care of

Wrong 1

Hero: taking left turn where there is no free left turn

Common man: unsuspecting, hits hero’s car because he was stupid enough to take the correct turn.

Let’s make the scene more awesome- common man is phukphuke driver, not owner of car-hence in deeper shit

Hero WRONGED!!! Gets out, reminds driver of all his female relations in the sweetest tones, sets a permanent tune in his ear that leaves him half deaf for life, replaces jaw setting also takes care of knee sockets and leaves after touching up the criminal car

Wrong 2

Hero: has parasites order and pay for kebab rolls, waits to be served

Common man and friends: just out of office, let’s grab a bite, wait to be served- they order 10 mins before Hero and co.

 The waiter serves common man and co. first (not surprising according to common sense, but downright travesty of justice for hero)

Hero WRONGED!!! gets into a scuffle with unsuspecting common man and co., no relations involved in this one, only muscle, flesh and blood. Hero takes care of criminals with hockey sticks/iron poles/fists, and has his vengeance. The criminals of course die

Our superhero is very familiar with page 3 of the dailies, in reference or photo. He beams at us, having taken care of the wrongdoings and Delhi goes to sleep knowing even Gabbar downs a truckload in his pants when superhero sneezes.  

I bet superhero farts at night in bed- wrongdoings happen in dreams also you know- how will he take care of that?!